The Lost Boys

My painting "The Lost Boys" has lines scratched into the paint with the edge of my paintbrush and lots of frenetic energy. Yet there is also a softness to the way the yellow, red and green colors blend and bleed into each other. This contrast between anxious marks and colors gently fading into one another reflects the duality of wandering. 

I can feel unsure and unprepared for the future, and still put my heart in the driver's seat. The fears might not go away, but rather than obey fear, I try my best to let love guide the way.

About the Mixed Emotions collection

Having complex PTSD, I know it can be really difficult to uncover and sort through memories that have been repressed. Imagine your brain is a big house. Well, you went for years thinking there was nothing in the attic, nothing in the basement, nothing in the guest room. But over time, you start to realize that the lights were just turned off. So slowly you bring in lamps, shine more light on the rooms and start to see more and more of what had been stored in those rooms you had thought were just empty.

When I paint, I feel so engaged in the process of art-making that I'm able to access parts of myself that haven't come to the surface consciously. And reflecting on my art is very connected to how I reflect on my life and who I am as a human being. I frequently work with vibrant, bright colors. Yet I tend to make more muted colors when I'm sorting through something that feels murky or confusing.

Some of the paintings in this series have vibrant colors. Others are more subtle, with a lot of different colors mixed in, and at first glance, some might appear gray. This is similar to how we experience our emotions when there are multiple firing at once. When sadness, anger, and joy is mixed with guilt, shame, and fear, it can be difficult to discern any of these emotions. It may feel like stumbling through a musky cloud of smoke.