Muddying the waters, or scratching the surface?

One night, I was feeling really frustrated and confused. I went into my home studio and started layering paint over and over on a wood panel. I scratched into the paint before it could fully dry. Then I'd smudge with a sponge or my paintbrush. Then I'd scratch into the painting again. And I kept repeating these stages, not in a rigid way or a particular order, but rather in a way that just felt right. 

My whole body and self became immersed in this process. The painting became a reflection of my headspace, like searching for a street sign on a foggy day from a misty car window. Like I said, I felt confused that night, like I wasn't sure of something but could hardly tell what my question even was. I wasn't sure of what I was really feeling in any precise way. So I shifted between muddying the waters and scratching the surface, searching for some clarity on what I was really feeling. Not that confusion isn't a real feeling - of course, it is - but it's also usually the result of other maybe contradictory feelings mixing together in our heads.

The next day, I woke up and looked at the painting I had made the night before. And then, the painting made sense to me in a way it hadn't in the middle of the night, right after I finished it. This painting isn't about clarity, doesn't come from a place of knowing. However, confusion and the frustration of wanting to know so bad that you only feel more confused - these feelings are worthy of expressing too. And it's a good thing to be reminded that it's okay to feel disoriented and confused by trying to sort things out, by the searching process. Allowing myself to feel "off" so I can be open to a deeper understanding is also a good thing. Clarity often follows confusion anyway, or at least that's how it seems? :)

About the Mixed Emotions collection

Having complex PTSD, I know it can be really difficult to uncover and sort through memories that have been repressed. Imagine your brain is a big house. Well, you went for years thinking there was nothing in the attic, nothing in the basement, nothing in the guest room. But over time, you start to realize that the lights were just turned off. So slowly you bring in lamps, shine more light on the rooms and start to see more and more of what had been stored in those rooms you had thought were just empty.

When I paint, I feel so engaged in the process of art-making that I'm able to access parts of myself that haven't come to the surface consciously. And reflecting on my art is very connected to how I reflect on my life and who I am as a human being. I frequently work with vibrant, bright colors. Yet I tend to make more muted colors when I'm sorting through something that feels murky or confusing.

Some of the paintings in this series have vibrant colors. Others are more subtle, with a lot of different colors mixed in, and at first glance, some might appear gray. This is similar to how we experience our emotions when there are multiple firing at once. When sadness, anger, and joy is mixed with guilt, shame, and fear, it can be difficult to discern any of these emotions. It may feel like stumbling through a musky cloud of smoke.