Love the whole bouquet, accepting each and every flower

When someone loves the whole of you, it means accepting and loving all the parts that make us who we are, even the messy or ugly things we’d rather hide sometimes. I think that’s such an amazing thing - that love has the power to release us from shame. 

This painting was inspired by a bouquet of flowers I received. Looking at the bouquet as I painted, the work unfolded. I mixed the colors onto the canvas and intuitively included colors from the bouquet. The brushstrokes express an opening, exploding-from-within feeling. And this open, exploding-from-within feeling is how it feels for me to love with and be loved for the whole of who I am.

About the Mixed Emotions collection

Having complex PTSD, I know it can be really difficult to uncover and sort through memories that have been repressed. Imagine your brain is a big house. Well, you went for years thinking there was nothing in the attic, nothing in the basement, nothing in the guest room. But over time, you start to realize that the lights were just turned off. So slowly you bring in lamps, shine more light on the rooms and start to see more and more of what had been stored in those rooms you had thought were just empty.

When I paint, I feel so engaged in the process of art-making that I'm able to access parts of myself that haven't come to the surface consciously. And reflecting on my art is very connected to how I reflect on my life and who I am as a human being. I frequently work with vibrant, bright colors. Yet I tend to make more muted colors when I'm sorting through something that feels murky or confusing.

Some of the paintings in this series have vibrant colors. Others are more subtle, with a lot of different colors mixed in, and at first glance, some might appear gray. This is similar to how we experience our emotions when there are multiple firing at once. When sadness, anger, and joy is mixed with guilt, shame, and fear, it can be difficult to discern any of these emotions. It may feel like stumbling through a musky cloud of smoke.