Through my rose-colored glasses

I went out for a walk around my neighborhood in the early evening, just as the sun was about to set. While the sky turned to pastel shades, I took note of neon street signs and otherwise dark storefronts with pops of red, neon green, bright blue striking through.

After stopping in front of a residential block, I noticed a diagonal shadow cast across the upper half of a house. The trees, lit from below, looked almost white against the sky, which had become clear and black by this point. I snapped a quick photo of this view and texted it to a special someone with the message, "I was just thinking of you & feeling lucky & feeling the world seems even more beautiful since we've met".

I know this word is not used too often, but the best way to describe my experience of that walk is this: I felt dazzled. A sense of awe, joy, and wonder filled me up, just looking at the same city blocks that I always walk past but this time, through the lens of love.

I made this artwork directly afterward. We tend to use the phrase "rose-colored glasses" to signify that we’re doing too much overlooking of what’s bad. Yet, this work explores the idea that seeing through rose-colored glasses and letting positive feelings color our surroundings is tied to feeling joy. At any given time, there is so much to be worried and pained and angry about, which is also important to feel and grapple with. And at any given time, there is something beautiful, something strange and sweet, something funny, to notice. As an artist and a person, I challenge myself to see both.

About the Mixed Emotions collection

Having complex PTSD, I know it can be really difficult to uncover and sort through memories that have been repressed. Imagine your brain is a big house. Well, you went for years thinking there was nothing in the attic, nothing in the basement, nothing in the guest room. But over time, you start to realize that the lights were just turned off. So slowly you bring in lamps, shine more light on the rooms and start to see more and more of what had been stored in those rooms you had thought were just empty.

When I paint, I feel so engaged in the process of art-making that I'm able to access parts of myself that haven't come to the surface consciously. And reflecting on my art is very connected to how I reflect on my life and who I am as a human being. I frequently work with vibrant, bright colors. Yet I tend to make more muted colors when I'm sorting through something that feels murky or confusing.

Some of the paintings in this series have vibrant colors. Others are more subtle, with a lot of different colors mixed in, and at first glance, some might appear gray. This is similar to how we experience our emotions when there are multiple firing at once. When sadness, anger, and joy is mixed with guilt, shame, and fear, it can be difficult to discern any of these emotions. It may feel like stumbling through a musky cloud of smoke.