Disappearing Act

My disappearing act was a way of disconnecting from my truth, a way of freezing parts of myself until I reached a point in my life when I could grab back the reins and truly heal. Living with this disconnection felt like constantly losing touch with who I am, my own memories, my vibrance, and my aliveness.

Inside of my frozen parts, there was this deep sadness and grief waiting to be felt when the thaw came. After all, a disappearing act is still an illusion. I cloaked my pain. I looked away as far as I could. And still, the pain could not disappear because the pain was not an illusion. The pain was real. The pain is real.

I feel it now - it feels like my chest is being cut wide open and my head is splitting apart and opening up from within. It feels deeply tragic and sad and somber and melancholy and with a sense of connection too, the feeling of being linked with some of the bravest, kindest souls who've ever walked this Earth.

It feels like destiny and bittersweet magic and duality and like autumn leaves turning colors and falling to the ground and remembering the longest winter ever and being a flower sprouting from the Earth and a butterfly dancing in the wind and dying and then becoming a caterpillar all over again and it feels like withstanding the peak heat of summer all at once. I feel connected to the core of the sun and the surface of the moon and every element on Earth. There is no fog. No blocking the truth. No disconnection from what's so real. Just pain and resting with it.

About the Love Letters to Mother Earth collection

What moves us toward protection and care if not love? In honoring and loving my natural self, my soul, I learn how to safeguard my tenderness and the magic that is mine to wield. And this love guides me toward the people and spaces where I feel free and valued as my true self.

My hope is that in honoring and loving wild lands, tender artists, our authentic selves, this mysterious and beautiful universe, and this magical and messy planet of ours, we will learn to safeguard what is precious and sacred in each other and this world. Standing under a canopy of towering trees is humbling, freeing, incomparably special. It’s precious. So are you and so am I and so is each river and forest and so is this planet.